You hate conflict. It does not matter whether you are right or wrong, you don’t care as long as the argument ends. You’ll say sorry not because you’re the one at fault, but because you just want the fight to be over. Well, that’s something that toxic people love. They want someone they can push over, someone that they can wrong and then manipulate into not standing up for themselves. It makes them feel like they’re in the right and you’re the one to blame for every fight whether you started it or not.
For you, it might seem like a small deal, it’s just an argument. What matters is that your compromise helps keep your friend happy and your friendship or relationship intact. Relationships are built on trust. Both of you are responsible for what happens. If it’s always you that ends up having to take the blame every time something bad happens, then it’s probably time for you to leave. Toxic people will do anything they can to gaslight you into thinking that you’re the one who’s wrong. Every fight and argument will end up with you thinking that you’re the one who’s wrong. This isn’t because you’re wrong. No one is wrong all the time and you feeling guilty all the time is not right. Toxic people gaslight you and manipulate you into thinking that. Stand up when you feel you’re right and speak up for yourself, they will not like it and may even leave you, change the subject, or give you the silent treatment.
You want to make sure everything is perfect so you don’t let anyone down. And when something that you did has the tiniest flaw, you feel like you let everyone down. Toxic people are super into that. Like moths to aflame, toxic people gravitate towards people that are easy to manipulate and gaslight. And who’s easier to manipulate than a person that starts blaming themselves the second even the tiniest flaw comes to light?
Learn to value your work, your effort. It’s the sentiment and the feeling behind the gift that counts rather than the minuscule flaws that no one can control. A person that truly loves you and values you, knows and understands that. You can try your best and still never be enough for a toxic person. They’ll do anything they can to make you feel like you let them down and make you feel like you’re the broken link in the chain. You can drain yourself completely and they’ll still ask for more, until you have nothing more they deem useful. Toxic people are like an empty cup you can never fill. You can empty your heart and soul into them and they still make you feel like you’re not enough, like you should have done more. If it ever gets to the point that you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough, someone who is always reminding you of your flaws, they tell you you are weak, you are needy, you waste your money on, what they believe to be needless stuff, usually because it is not to their benefit, then leave. You’ll find someone who loves you for who you are, not how flawless you are. You are enough, and if someone makes you doubt that, then they’re toxic. Learn to leave when a relationship starts draining you of happiness.
Toxic people like talking about themselves: Their problems, their issues, and their life. It’s always something about them. They never run out of stuff to complain about, and you, being the good friend, are always there for them. They’re sad, right? They just need someone to listen to them, and you, being the good friend, are there for them. Well, here’s the thing about toxic people. They don’t need someone to vent or help them. They just need someone to continuously give them attention or listen to them.
A good friend doesn’t just come to you and vent and then leave. They’re there for you when you’re down too, and they try to listen to you and let you talk. They do not brush off your worries or problems as though they are not important or make you feel that you are just complaining or moaning for no valid reason, or tell you that you always have some issue, they do not interrupt you when you and take over DE validating your thoughts. Learn to recognize people that just use you for attention. Remember that a good friend will always understand when you’re not in the right mental space to listen. A toxic person however will shame you for not giving them attention. You don’t owe anyone anything, especially at the cost of your mental peace. Set your boundries, toxic people do not like it when you have boundries. They are drawn to you like bees round a honey pot, feeding their own selfish needs and when there is no honey left, when you are no longer beneficial to their needs,they will leave you themselves, and then blame you for all that went wrong, they will tell you and the rest of the world that you were impossible to live with.
You like helping people. And you want to make everything better for your friends and you’re willing to do anything it takes for them to be happy. They’re your friends after all, right? So, what if you have to make yourself a little uncomfortable to make them happy? You don’t mind, and if it makes someone happy, who cares about a little problem. Well. No! You come first. You matter. Your mental health, your peace, it matters. Someone is making you think otherwise, then leave them.
A good friend would never be okay with you troubling yourself just to make them happy. They would never be comfortable with the happiness that comes at the cost of their friend’s mental health. Be compassionate, help people, but never at the cost of your mental health and peace, and especially if it’s someone that demands you to help them. You don’t owe anyone anything. You make your own decisions. You are always trying to be loyal. Loyalty is a good thing. You try to stay true to the people you love and always be there for them. If someone starts telling you that your friend isn’t a good person, you don’t believe them, why? Because they’re your friend. You’re genuine and sincere with them and they’re genuine and sincere with you. That’s how friendships work right? Well yes, but only if your friend isn’t a toxic manipulator. Toxic people love someone who’s loyal and sincere, why? It’s quite simple really. Sincere people can’t imagine someone they love and care for is manipulating and gaslighting them, so toxic people can do whatever they want to you and you won’t ever doubt them. In fact, if someone ever tells you that you’re being manipulated, you won’t believe them because of how loyal you are to your friend and how much you trust them.
Toxic people are pros at taking advantage of this trust and using your good heart and loyalty against you. Learn to set boundaries. Be compassionate, loving, and loyal, but always remember that if something or someone is messing with your mental health, then it’s probably not good for you no matter how genuine it seems. Your mental health comes first and if someone is disturbing it, then that person isn’t right for you.
My Woestijn~EverShiftingSands 